Change is hard. In this episode, I explore five ways to make it easier, and the resources that have helped me get more comfortable navigating change.
Discussed on this episode:
Change is hard. In this episode, I explore five ways to make it easier, and the resources that have helped me get more comfortable navigating change.
Discussed on this episode:
Hi, this is Kat O'Leary and welcome back to another episode of How to Be Creative. So , um, today I'm actually recording while traveling. I don't have my equipment with me, so I'm hoping that the sound quality won't be impacted too much by that. Um, and I kind of decided here that I would not let the perfect be the enemy of the good, and that it would be better to just go ahead and record , um, versus to not get anything done. Um, just because this is just not going to be the perfect version of , um, you know, what I envision for this podcast. So today I'm gonna talk about navigating change , um, and kind of how to do so a little bit more peacefully. Um, change, I think is something that can be really hard for a lot of people. Um , for a long time it was very hard for me as well. I would say now I'm sort of more of a change enthusiast. Um, you know, whereas previously I was very resistant to and fearful of change. I, at this point in my life, would actually identify as someone who not only embraces change, but really , um, tends to, to seek out opportunities for change and growth. So , um, yeah, so I guess I'm going to structure this , um, as five tips for Navi Navigating Change. Um, I have some notes here, but I think it's gonna be a little bit off the cuff. Um, so let's get into it. So I think the first thing that will help you navigate change is detaching from the past. So , um, I think a thing that's really important here is to accept the fact that you can't go back. Um, and ultimately, you know, sitting around wishing that you could , um, or that you could change things that have already happened is really just gonna keep you stuck. I think it's very normal to have regrets in life, so I'm not gonna tell you that you shouldn't have any complicated feelings about things that have happened in the past, or , um, you know, that you're wrong for wishing they had done, they had gone differently. Um, however, there comes a point where you are finding yourself dwelling on things that have happened in the past and can no longer be changed to the point that it's actually damaging your present and ultimately your future. So for this, I think the big thing is really just , um, developing some kind of mindfulness practice that can help you , uh, become grounded and , um, stay present in your life. Um, that's a really easy, simplistic thing to talk about. It's not so easy or simplistic to accomplish. And , um, this was something that I, you know, kind of fought for, for a long time and , and really struggled with , um, until finally the
Speaker 2:Thing that really helped me was this book called The Power of Now , um, by Eckhart Tole . Um, I had had this book on my shelf for probably , um, I don't know , five years before I actually went ahead and read it. Um, and I had the hard copy, but what really made a difference for me was , um, getting the audiobook. Um, there's something about listening to an audiobook, and I actually do this for any kind of self-help slash personal or professional development books that I read where , um, you know, I feel like I like the audio format because it tends to drown out any kind of negative thoughts or negative talk track that you might have going on in your head. So , um, yeah, so for this one, and, and there's something funny with Eckhart Tolle . So , um, I had actually recommended this audiobook to a friend of mine, and he totally , um, clocked it immediately what it is. But , um, Eckhart Tole kind of sounds like Werner Herzog , um, and there's something about his voice and, and his , um, mannerisms that , um, I don't know, it just, for me at least, just really helps me to focus my mind in the present , um, and really absorb what he's saying. Um, I will say that the first time or two that I listened to this audiobook, and I've listened to it quite a few times now , um, over the past, I guess, seven years since I, I first listened to it , um, I was very resistant to a lot of the things that he had to say. And I would say that on subsequent listens , beyond my first time listening to it , um, I made a pointed effort of not resisting. So what do I mean by that? So basically, any time that in the book , um, totally said, anything that I disagreed with or , um, you know, kind of thought was stupid or , um, not useful , um, I really worked hard to overcome that feeling and just refocus on hearing the overall message and trying to understand that there was a reason why this particular concept , um, or idea was included in the book. Now, I definitely don't intend for this episode to be an advertisement for the Power of Now or any of his other books. Um, this was just what worked for me, and it was what finally worked for me after, you know, literal years of , um, trying to kind of master , um, the idea of mindfulness. Um, obviously meditation , um, any kind of kind of grounding practice that you might use in therapy or , um, in any kind of setting where you are , um, you know, trying to take your yourself out of your mind and , and be physically present in your body. All of that is great. I think the big thing is figuring out what's gonna work for you and what's gonna be sustainable for you, and also
Speaker 3:Something that you can go back to time and again when you inevitably do get kind of sucked back into , um, you know, the kind of ego drama playing out in your brain. So number two is actually kind of related to the first tip. Um, number two is stop arguing with reality. Um, so this is a concept that I take from Byron Katie , who's another kind of, you know, spirituality slash self-help kind of , um, thinker and writer. Um, she's actually married to this really well regarded , um, translator, Steven Mitchell , which is super interesting to me. I actually have his trans , uh, translation of , um, Reiner Maria Wilkes letters to a young poet. So he's, he's done quite a few , um, very well regarded translations over the year . So interesting power couple to me. I, I love hearing stories like that. Um, but basically, yeah, so what do I mean by stop arguing with reality? Um, look at where you are now. That is, there's nothing you can do about it. This is the situation you're in. Um, and I'm someone who's very prone to kind of ruminating on difficult situations when I'm in them. And that honestly, I, you know, I learned this, this is a lesson I will probably learn over and over again for the rest of my life, but basically that does not help , um, kind of obsessing over things that aren't working, things that you wish were different. Um, you know, people you hate that you have to work with or deal with , um, interpersonally on any level , um, family dynamics that really don't serve you. But it's not a case where you are, you know, interested in going no , no contact. Um, so you're gonna have to deal , continue dealing with the person , um, a job where you don't enjoy the work, but you are not in a financial position to, you know, just walk out the door. Um, the unfortunate truth is that in life you are going to have to deal with things , um, people, situations, et cetera , that you don't want to and that you don't enjoy. And , um, I think the best thing that I have found, or the best kind of mindset shift that I've found for , um, dealing with this is really just stop arguing with reality. So I can only move forward from where I am right now and being angry about where I am right now, being disappointed, or just generally feeling aggrieved about the fact that I'm in this situation. None of those feelings are the feeling that is going to propel me toward a solution to get myself out of the situation that I'm in now. So, there are a couple of tools that I recommend. Um, both are Byron Katie , who I just mentioned. So she has a really great book called Loving What is , um, it's exactly what it sounds like. It's a book about really accepting the reality that you're in and moving forward from there. And then she also has an app , um, and I believe it's a paid app that probably costs around $4 or something called the Work. Um, I think it's the work of Byron Katie or the Work by Byron Katie . Um, but that is an app where you can kind of go through this four question process that Katie has come up with , um, to really work through a negative feeling or opinion that you're having about a situation while you're in it. Um , especially if you are someone who is prone to , um, kind of catastrophizing around situations that are happening in your life , um, and you wanna stop doing that. Um, it's a really helpful process. I don't know quite how it works, but it , it definitely has helped me in the past. And then once you are able to get out of that mentality of arguing with reality , um, the next thing that I recommend is to focus on what you can control. So now that I have sort of made peace with the difficult feelings I have around my present, what do I want in my future and how do I get from here to there? Um, so I'd say action is really key here. I , in general, just taking any action, even the tiniest action, always really helps me get out of a funk. Um, one thing that I've found that works really well for me is creating consistent habits , um, that ultimately support big changes. This was actually the topic of last week's , um, podcast episode because it's been such a game changer for me. So , um, and the cool thing about kind of creating these habits, regular habits is that you can start today , um, and ultimately doing something on a regular basis that is positive for you. Um , you know, yes, you'll get certain benefits of the individual actions that you choose. So, for example, if you're learning a new language, you will have the benefit of , um, you know , starting to notice that your vocabulary is getting better, you're having a better understanding of the grammar, et cetera. Um, if you are focusing on a meditation practice, you may find that you are calmer and more focused during the day , um, or that, you know, even you just enjoy having that handful of minutes to yourself once a day that you've really carved out or you're not supposed to be doing anything but sitting still. But then overall , um, once you have kept up with the habit for a while, it really begins to shift your identity , um, toward being, you know, starting to think of yourself as someone who really shows up for yourself daily , um, and who you know is able to kind of sustain these types of positive changes in your life. Um, especially slow , um, slow changes that happen over time, I think are even more critical than, you know, the , the changes that you can make in, in a single day or a handful of days, like, you know, changing to a new job or ending a relationship. And for me, at least, this has laid the foundation for some of those bigger changes and gotten me kind of out of my own way so that I'm able to better understand what those changes in my life need to be. Number four, imagine something better. So here , um, I think it's really helpful to, you know, in order to go ahead and kind of get the life you want, I think you really need to understand what that life is. So , um, there are a number of different ways that you can visualize things. It kind of depends on what you , what works for you. Something that helps me a lot or has helped me a lot in the past is doing , um, you know, journaling around kind of an ideal version of my life and thinking about a specific date by which I want that to be my life. Um, so maybe it's six months from now, it's, you know, by the beginning of the next calendar year, it's a year from today, et cetera . Um, and then I think, you know, and this kind of gets back to the habits that I was just talking about, but once you have that visualization of what you really want out of your life, I think it's a lot easier then to break that down into kind of a handful of building blocks to start working today toward those goals. And a resource that's been really helping me with this lately has been Julia Cameron's the Artist's Way . I know it's kind of had a resurgence with , um, gen Z. I've seen a lot about it on TikTok recently. Um, I've had this book on my shelf since probably like 2006. It was first , um, brought to my attention by a podcast that I listened to way back then. Yes, we did have podcasts in the mid ts , um, from Kimberly Wilson , which is now called Tranquility du Jour , but she was the person who initially inter , um, introduced me to the Artist's way. I definitely bought it like off her recommendation at that time. And then , uh, tried and failed to complete it probably at least five times over the intervening , um, I guess 17 and a half years now. Uh , that's crazy to think about, but I am this time around actually keeping with it. So tomorrow I start week 11 of 12 of the Artist's Way. And , um, I'd say it's been really helpful for me , um, just in terms of , uh, kind of having a course to work through for my creative practices. Um, so you might wanna check that out if you're someone where you're, you're, you know, you wanna do something creatively, but you're not quite out of your own way just yet. Um, there's a lot of , uh, sort of mindset work built into this program. In addition to each week, there's Athene and there are a number of sort of homework assignments associated with it, plus a list of tasks that you do each week, including something that I love and , um, you know, have kind of done religious three religiously. Um, you know, since I first attempted to do this book back in 2006 , um, called The Artist Date , which is basically you take yourself on some kind of solo venture. Um, for me, a lot of it is, you know, going to a museum or checking out a new cafe , um, or even walking down a block or two that you've never been down before in your neighborhood. So it can be really simple. I think the idea here is to just, one, make time for yourself and kind of your inner artist. Um, two, for me at least, I try to do something new that's brand new to me. Um, I also have a project called Year of New where I try to do one new thing every week. Used to be every day , but I don't have that energy anymore. Um, and I, I document those actually on Instagram , um, at year of New . Um, but I find that , um, especially focusing on doing new things for my artist date really helps me , um, just kind of re-energize , um, and refill my creative well so that I, when I do get back to, you know, my laptop or my journal or whatever I'm working on that day , um, I just have a lot more creative inspiration , um, going into whatever I'm doing. But really at the end of the day when I say imagine something better, what I think may be most helpful , um, especially if you're navigating a change that you didn't want or resisted a lot , um, you know, the loss of a relationship or , um, losing a job , um, that you, you didn't wanna leave, things like that , um, imagine something better can be very literal. Uh, you know. Okay. What were some of the issues that you had with what you just left and what would sort of the optimal version of the replacement of that look like? And is there a possibility, even a small one, that, and this is kind of another concept from by Byron Katie , is there a chance that you were spared by losing this thing that you valued so much and, and held so dear? Um, and how do you turn this loss into ultimately a positive and begin to understand that maybe you just needed to get something out of the way so that , um, you know, you could get something even better into your life? And I wanna say here that I think , um, I don't believe in, you know, kind of spiritual bypassing or , um, you know, kind of having toxic positivity around devastating life events. Um, I think it's really important to honor the pain and often trauma that come along with having to go through big changes in life. Um, and I also think grief. Um, so, you know, there are many forms of grief, but here I'm speaking specifically about the grief of someone who has died. Um, I think grief or mourning, that type of loss is in a completely different category from pretty much every other type of loss in life. And the rules do not apply. So I mentioned a couple of episodes ago that my cousin had died quite suddenly in early 2020. Um, I would say that that level of profound grief kind of took me out completely for at least a couple of years , um, in, in a number of ways. And , um, it's really only recently that I've been able to sort of claw my way out of it. So , um, I, I would never tell someone who's grieving that the process needs to be faster, that they need a mindset shift, or even that a mindset shift would help in that situation. So you are the expert on your own life. You know what best, you know what's best going to help you at this stage, and sometimes you just need to take a break and , um, let yourself fully feel the difficult feelings that you're going through before any of this advice is remotely going to apply to you. And then finally, tip five is work on building resilience. Um, I spent the first three decades of my life having pretty much no resilience whatsoever. Um, I would get, you know, sidetracked or even sidelined for years over things that I felt like I was seeing people around me recover from pretty quickly. Um, and there can be a tendency to believe like, oh, this is because I am, you know, a sensitive person, or I'm so empathetic, or I just love harder than other people. And I think we're doing ourselves a disservice by letting ourselves kind of think about things that way or get into that kind of identity trap. So , um, you know, recently I've been grappling with , uh, you know, a pretty painful breakup. Um, and I suspect that people on the outside are not necessarily seeing it as such because I didn't really fall apart this time. And it's not because , um, you know, this didn't hurt me or , um, wasn't as , uh, big a loss as I've experienced in past relationships that have ended. Um, it's really more that I have just done similar work to this so many times that , um, I've just been able to rebound in a healthier way than I would've been able to in the past. Um, and I also, I think probably a lot of the stuff that I've been talking about
Speaker 4:In this episode so far, it's really the stuff that I have leaned on , um, the tools and resources , um, you know, that I lean on when I have to get myself through something. Um, and I, you know, I know that this won't be the last difficult thing that I go through in my life. Um, but I also kind of know that , um, each time I have to deal with something very painful, it gets a little bit easier to navigate. And the reason behind that is that I have done a lot of work on myself. Um, so I spent several years in therapy. I'm not currently in therapy, but it is a possibility that I will want or need it again in the future. Um, I've done a lot of self-help. Um, I will say that I was very, very resistant to self-help books for a very long time , um, because I definitely, you know, had an identity around kind of being a person who didn't do self-help. I thought I was like, you know, too smart for that kind of book or something like that. Um, and at the end by, and , you know , and at the end of the day, by resisting things that ultimately could have helped me and could've helped me a lot sooner , um, I really just did myself a disservice. So I would say if there's anything , um, in terms of an identity that you have around like being smarter than other people or , um, you know, like just understanding the world better or , um, whatever it is that you've built an identity around that is preventing you from healing , uh, the more that you can do as soon as possible to get over that and accept help wherever it comes, I think the better and the happier you'll be. Um, and so , uh, one big thing that I did, so I , I mentioned the power of Now was a , was really a game changer for me. That was honestly the first self-help book that actually kind of got through to me. And from there , um, sort of opened up my , um, willingness to kind of go down that path a little bit farther. Um, I also read this really amazing book called Mindset by Carol Dweck. Um, recommend that a lot. It helped me truly understand kind of , um, how certain things about how I'd been raised were impacting the way that I was going about dealing with difficult situations in my life. And so, kind of the main idea underpinning this book is that there are two types of mindsets. There's the growth mindset and the fixed mindset. And so if you're in the fixed mindset, you kind of believe that talent is finite. Um, you know, the way that it played out in my life was believing that because I was a smart person, I should never have to work at something. And if I did have to work at something that meant I wasn't, you know, as smart as I'd previously been told or thought , um, which just isn't true, like the smartest people in the world still have to get up every day , practice things, learn things and grow.
Speaker 5:Um, and the growth mindset is really about understanding that. And , um, doing what you can to move yourself forward in life , um, and detach from whatever identity you had previously that made you think you don't, you know, need to do whatever it is. People at all levels of skill and excellence still need to train. They still need to practice. And in so many cases, it's the people who begin to believe that they don't need to do those things anymore, who end up kind of falling off at the very point where , um, their peers and competitors are actually, you know , making real strides. So those are the five tips for navigating change. But I'm realizing I also wanted to talk a little bit about what navigating change successfully has to do with creativity. And for me, what this has done for me , um, has been that it's helped me get out of my own way so that I can actually sit down and do the creative work that I want to get done in my life. Um, when I'm stuck in, you know , kind of ego drama in my head , um, feeling aggrieved about things that I can't control , um, or can't change myself. Um, and I'm not actually, you know, these are things that just frankly distract me from the work that needs to be done for a very long time. I believe that if I was smart and talented, that opportunities would just be handed to me, which I know is very silly and I , I can hear it. Um, but you know, what I'm saying is that it really wasn't until I kind of started doing this type of deep spiritual or mindset work on myself that I really began to produce anything creatively in any kind of real way. So that to me is the, the connection , um, with, you know, ultimately how to be creative. And that's all for this week's episode.